daycare – Paige is Parenting

The return of working mom guilt

This past Wednesday, Jameson got hurt at school. He was running towards the slide, slipped, and rammed headfirst into it. This resulted in a seriously big bump that required me to leave work and take him to his pediatrician to get looked at.

The entire drive to his daycare had my mind reeling with how bad it might be. When the director called me that morning she had told me to “prepare myself” for how bad it looked, even though he was running around again and seemed to be doing fine.

Needless to say I was not doing fine as I pictured how horrific his head might look.

To try and calm my nerves I called my mom…which turned out to be the opposite of a good idea, as she went over the many reasons why she thinks our daycare sucks and we should pull him out of there.

Thankfully, when I got there he was in good spirits. The bump was large, no doubt about it, but still better than what I had been picturing in my mind after the daycare call.

All smiles for mama when I picked him up early for a doctor visit

Even with the relief of seeing that he wasn’t as injured as I had imagined and hearing from his doctor that he didn’t have a concussion, I still felt terrible.

My child got hurt again at daycare. My child got hurt while being in the care of someone else. This wouldn’t have happened if I was home with him, the guilty voice in my head scolded. I should have been there.

Never mind that toddlers trip all the time. Never mind that my son has fallen, tripped, and somersaulted over apparent thin air while in my care. He had never gotten a bump like that, and for that I was racked with guilt.

So what did I do to quell said guilt? Talk to another mom about it to make myself feel better? Journal about it even? Heck no.

I did the stereotypical working mom penance of ice cream and material objects.

One scoop of vanilla ice cream with a mountain of sprinkles and whipped cream at eleven in the morning? Coming right up!

Not one, but two new Halloween books from Barnes and Noble? Sure, you deserve it!

And why don’t we throw in a ten dollar realistic elephant toy since you’ve recently learned the word elephant and it will make mama feel better for having abandoned you at your very pricy daycare all day?

Picking out one of his new books at Barnes and Noble

Now here was my injured but happy as a clam child, thumbing through the pages of his new pop-up book with a belly full of sugar.

And there I was on the other side of the camera, feeling guilty still but placated by the fact that there was a smile back on my child’s face.

D came home later that evening and shook his head at the impulse buys I had made.

“He didn’t need any of this stuff, honey,” he said.

“Maybe not,” I replied. But I needed it.

Back to work

Yesterday was the first day back to work for me, and back to daycare for Jameson since our Christmas/New Years COVID quarantine.

It was a great day for both of us, but still a bit of a mixed bag of emotions for me.

As happy as I was to see my student again, I will miss my time at home with my little guy.

I’m starting to realize that one of the hard things about being a working mom is going back to work after long stretches at home with your kid(s).

That stretch of one-on-one time brings a renewed feeling of “leaving” him to go to work all over again. Not as strong as the very first time, but like the sting of ripping at an old scab.

That Jameson loves going to daycare and seeing his friends makes it easier. I feel less guilty knowing that he’s spending his day somewhere he enjoys, at least.

Are you working parent? Do you find that “working parent guilt” amps up after time off with family?

Momsplaining

“Every family needs a professional portrait for the holidays. Don’t you want your kids to be able to look back on these moments one day?”- a momsplainer out there somewhere, probably
(stock photo from pixabay)

Quick Aside: Until I did a quick google search, I actually thought I made up the term “momsplaining” yesterday (and gave myself an I’m-so-clever internal pat on the back). It turns out, as the many Urban Dictionary entries and a podcast by Kristen Bell has revealed…I very much did not invent the term momsplaining. *awkwardly crumples up application to copyright the term and make fun t-shirts…*

But anyway…Momsplaining. What is it? According to Urban Dictionary, it is “[t]he use of words and tone that occurs by mothers. The audience is not limited to children, but can also be used with childless friends. Usually condescending in tone.” According to Paige Fitzgerald (me), it is a thing that many well-meaning family, friends, and women at the nail salon like to do to pregnant moms that has been driving me absolutely bananas this month.

Some examples of momsplaining that I’ve heard so far during my pregnancy:

“You don’t want to breastfeed longer than 3 weeks or you will ruin your breasts forever.”– said to me after I stated that I might want to breastfeed for at least 3 months.

“Whatever you do, DON’T be that person with a ‘birth plan.’ I didn’t go in with a plan and it was so stress-free. Also, please don’t be one of those people that does a water birth. Like, come on.”– completely random lady at the nail salon(!!) after overhearing that I’m expecting my first child. A big WTF to this one!

“You don’t plan on staying home with your baby the first year? I would never leave my baby in a daycare.” – said to me after I mentioned that I was already looking at local daycare centers for once I go back to work.

I’ve found that, depending on the comment, I handle certain types of momsplaining differently. For the most part, I politely nod my head and give a vague”ahh okay…interesting,” while making a mental note to disregard the advice as soon as the conversation is over. Like with the breastfeeding and the birth plan. And especially with the water birth! I kind of like the idea of a water birth. If that makes some people think I’m a little hippy-dippy, oh well!

When the comments are borderline insulting, I try and speak up in a way that doesn’t make me feel like I’m a kid defending themselves to a grownup. Because for me that is exactly how a dose of momsplaining can make me feel, and it’s a sucky feeling. For example, with the daycare comment. I politely (if a little coldly) said that if it was within our budget for me to stay home a whole year maybe I would, but it’s not, so I’ll be choosing the best care we can find and afford. Ugh.

I want to end this post by saying that not every mom who has given me advice has come off as a momsplainer. In fact, when I first shared our pregnancy news on my social media, I was overwhelmed with the number of caring women who reached out to me to offer support throughout this pregnancy/parenting journey. Many of them even mentioned the oncoming barrage of advice I would most likely get, and that they also received, and to go with my gut at the end of the day.

I also know that, for the most part, the women who have momsplained to me did so with kind intentions. They genuinely want to share their experiences of pregnancy and parenting to make the road a little easier for those just starting. I think it’s just the absolutism of some kinds of advice that give it the feeling of condescension.

Throughout my pregnancy and parenting journey, I hope I can continue to be kind to the women who are sharing their experiences with me, while still being true to the kind of mom (and person) I want to be. I also hope to keep the feelings of being momsplained to in my mind when I one day inevitably try and offer some advice to a new mom. Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m off to go stare at my breasts in a mirror for the next hour, so I can remember them as they were before my baby ruins them forever…kidding 😉